In the beginning…
I used to have a blog. It was all about living an “effortless” life. I had spent the few years leading up to the development of that old blog delving into self help books and seminars, personal development courses, reading and digesting everything I could about how to be a better person, live a better life, be more productive, be, be, be, do, do, do. And then one day I snapped — because no matter how hard I tried, or what school of thought I bought into, nothing ever felt right. Nothing ever “fit”. I constantly felt like a failure.
Who the fuck were all these experts, anyway? What interest did they have in me being a better person? It occurred to me that the only way these experts would remain at the top of their field and continue to rake in the cash was if their “customers” NEVER found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yes, I know, self discovery and enlightenment and all that jazz is supposed to a journey, not a destination. I just didn’t like the idea of constantly being told that I was somehow deficient because I wasn’t doing this, or thinking that, or accomplishing this, or living life in that way… the biggest thorn being that I was somehow wasting away my entire life because I wasn’t living my “passion”.
Anyway…so the old blog was kind of an anti-expert thing. “Live life on your own terms!” I’d say. And I still believe that, but in the hope of not offending anyone, I still censored everything I posted so that it would appeal to as many sides as possible. I still tried too much to appeal to the mainstream, and that was the problem. In telling people how not to live, I was telling them how to live.
By some weird twist of fate, in early 2016, my blog was deleted and my content was never backed up (I kept meaning to….but…….) No bother. I wasn’t in the right head space to continue writing a blog anyway. So I let it go.
Let it go…my kid finally hates that song
Fast forward to now, the end of 2016: a year that has been an absolute bitch from an emotional perspective. I have no idea why, But it was. Maybe it’s because I turned 40 and the requisite hormonal avalanche turned me topsy-turvy. Maybe I let too many of the wrong people into my sphere (there’s a definite future post in there somewhere). Maybe I had just held back too many unresolved emotions around trauma I’d experienced in the 5 years previous. Maybe I was just going a little cuckoo. Whatever the case, 2016 was a giant turd (I think it was for a LOT of people).
Then in early December 2016, (just over three weeks ago) I was in a car accident and suffered a moderate concussion (the second in my lifetime, the first being a severe head injury in 1999). I’m still recovering from it…every day is a struggle…but writing has always been my therapy. That’s why I’m writing my blog again. Because the head injury has been the catalyst in unbottling a lot of emotions and things that I’ve ignored for too long. And the beauty of feeling the way I do right now is that I have zero censor…and I don’t care. In fact, I love it. What better time to write and let it all out.
I’ve realized many things in the few short weeks I’ve been laid up on the couch. Many things. One of the biggest being that I don’t owe anyone any apologies for who I am, who I’ve been, and who I will be.
Everyone says that when you turn 40 you finally feel comfortable in your own skin. When I turned 40 I thought I would, too. But what happened was that I realized who I really was and it frightened me a little because she didn’t conform to what a lot of people had come to expect. So I tried very hard all year to be different people to make everyone happy. I didn’t want to offend so I let people walk all over me. I neglected the right people and worried about the wrong. Then, 4 days ago, I turned 41, and decided that bullshit is over. Whoever I am is exactly who I need to be. No more pandering. If you don’t like her, you know where the door is…
Ramblings is right…
There’s no “theme” for this blog. There are no neat and tidy categories. Whatever I feel like talking about is what I’ll talk about. Some days it won’t make a lick of sense; other days it might be the most profound thing you read. All I hope is that if you choose to bless me with your companionship on this journey, you understand that everything I say, I say from as pure a heart as I can muster, in a moment of truth and honesty, and from my own perspective and experience.
Your life is your own. Your decisions are your own. Your thoughts and perspectives are your own. I hope my journey from and into chaos can but serve to give your own adventure a little clarity now and then.
So buckle up and hold onto your undercrackers! Even I have no idea where I’m going.